Artistic License Application

Don't be an Unlicensed Artist!

Yet another fine product from

whose website you should visit for high quality
yet dubiously legal music.

2014.12.28: Sorry, we're closed. Sadly spambots have taken over the order form, burying all legitimate orders among daily spam orders in the dozens. Add a few busy school semesters and all control is lost; missed orders result. If you placed an order but never got it, I'm really sorry. I'm trying to catch up and make good. Please email me: ECC first, evolution-control.com last, and the @ symbol between.

If you're like me, you're constantly getting asked things like, "Why on earth did you paint that toaster purple and install it on the ceiling?" or "Why do you drive a hearse that looks like a zebra?" Of course, the answer is all too simple: I'm an artist. I'm taking license to make this weirdness. It's called Artistic License.

But somehow it always felt like a hollow statement. After all, I didn't have an art degree, let alone a physical ''artistic license'', whatever that would be. But an answer was close at hand -- dang it, I'm an artist, a creator! When the world doesn't fit, I change the world! And so I created my very own Artistic License. I more or less yoinked the style of a Cali driver's license but added things like the medium of the artist, and I made a checklist of "Artistic and Behavior Codes" on the back. I also put an unexplained, mysterious "TYPE: X". Here's a zoom so you can see it all.

I've been extremely happy with the results. Now when I show up at art openings, I just flash my ID -- I'm an artist! More free wine, please! Even at clubs I present my license as my identification... because, by gum, I'm an artist, just the kind of artist who would be fully licensed. Although this is not legal identification in the government's eyes, I have presented it on many occasional to security personnel who want "valid ID". More times than not, they take it! So, it must be valid. (But read this email exchange with a potential customer for clarification on its validity)

How about you? Are there people in your life who just don't get it: Parents, unhip friends, stodgy authority figures, and humorless conservative talk showhosts? "Oh c'mon," you tell them , "It's Artistic License!" (brace yourself, here comes the shill...)

Now YOU can carry ID to back that claim up. $20 buys you your very own US Artistic License with your photo and info on it. It is laminated (10 mil... super thick) and looks a wholelotta legal. Interested? Fill out the form below and you're on your way to artistic legitimacy. If the form gets weird on you, you could use this Adobe Acrobat form instead.

And yes, for your information, I do have the authority to issue artistic licenses. Do you wanna see my license?

To order your Artistic License, fill out the form below. You'll also need to submit a photo of yourself and a scan of your signature (or you can ask us to forge yours and we'll make one up).

LET'S START WITH THE BASICS

Your Name: Answer me!

Your street address: A value is required.

Your city, state, and zip code: A value is required.

Sex (M, F, or...): A value is required.Minimum number of characters not met.

Hair (Black, dyed...): A value is required.

Eyes (Blue, Cat...): A value is required.

Height: A value is required.

Weight: A value is required.

Birthdate: A value is required.

Medium (of art, such as Audio, Sculpture, Multi, All, etc.): A value is required.

Your email address (so I can contact you... doesn't go on the license:
A value is required.Invalid format.

Select as many Artistic and Behavioral codes as you like:

ARTISTIC
Academic
Controversial
Dadaist
Futurist
Grant Recipient
Modern
Outsider
Traditional

BEHAVIOR
Antisocial
Can't Dress
Doubts God
Elitist
Inner Beauty
Nocturnal
Unhygienic
Weird

Type the word "human" below to prove you are a human and not a spambot:
Seriously, type the word "human".Minimum number of characters not met.Exceeded maximum number of characters.Not human?

TWO LAST THINGS

Your photo. Make it good (larger than 500 x 500) and not just some low-resolution pixellated thumbnail. Click Browse below to select a JPG or GIF file from your computer. Don't have it right now? You can get it to me later... but tell me that in the comments below.

TIP: The uploader is happier when you keep the filename of your photo and signature simple -- no spaces, commas, or punctuation.

Lastly, your signature. The best thing is to send a scan or photo of your signature by clicking Browse below.

Or... if you want me to forge your signature for you, click below. Don't expect it to look anything like your real signature.

Forge my signature Please make a selection.

Any comments? Praise? Criticism? Advice? Betting tips? Insider trading scoops?

Click the button below to send the info above. For some people, this inexplicably fails. Why? I don't know. But what I do know is that if you do not get a confirmation on the next screen that your application got sent, something went wrong. In that case, email me for further instructions: ecc at pobox dot com.

AND LASTLY OF COURSE... THE BILL.